William "Billy" D. Mays (1958-Infinity)

I submit this nomination humbly as a late-night purveyor of mindless television.  Most of which is normally spent in some sort of inebriation or insomniatic state.  A certain face frequents the hours of drivel and drudgery that compose our current state of having the worst period of late-night television in history.  This face, however, stands alone amongst the reality tv, assinine game shows, and endless repeats of great shows from previous television eras.  Attached to this face is a voice, a loud one, yet a voice that promotes products that are alien in their helpfulness.  Although at a screaming level the entire time, it barely contains how excited we should be of how much these products can help us in our daily lives.  This voice, of course, comes from a man, a bearded man.  THE man.

Starting with OxiClean and Orangle Glo (at least for me) I found myself constantly mesmerized by the monotonous yell that so concisely, yet thoroughly, presents products designed to improve your day to day household chores.  A yell that not only will give you the product on hand at 19.99 or in multiples of payments in that amount, but will include smaller, more convenient sized additional products free of charge.  All if you order now.  Now.  A unit of measurement that has been all but absent in this year’s presidential race.  It’s always “change is coming”, or “solutions are being developed”.  Not only does his generosity know no bounds, but just look at the products he promotes:

OxiClean Detergent Ball- not only a great detergent, USING THE POWER OF OXYGEN, but a convenient delivery method

Big City Slider- Haven’t you ever had a time where you were like… man I wish I could eat 5 mini-burgers right now…yeah you have.


Hercules Hook – One of the fastest, and easiest ways to hang just about anything

Ding King – Hit as many cars as you want and get away with it!

These are only a few amazing products that Mr. Mays has helped to provide to America on a late-nightly basis.  This fall, lets choose a man who’s for America, easy solutions, inexpensive, reliable products, and improving your life on a daily basis.  But you gotta call NOW.  Here’s how to order…