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freecreditreport With TV in the dismal state that its in, and our nation barely getting through 2008 alive, I think an upheaval of sorts is overdue.  With the decline in television viewership due to the lack of quality programming (just made that up, but it sounds about right), it would be smart for advertisers to purge unwanted fat from their expensive TV campaigns, so it can be funneled into more productive advertising sources (i.e. blogs like this that kick ass) So, to help trim the fat, I've got some suggestions for commercial characters that need to be killed off in 2009. After the jump:

FreeCreditReport.com Guys

Message Trying To Be Sent: You can avoid a myriad of financial problems related to your credit score by using FreeCreditReport.com to stay updated on your credit history.  Why They Should Be Killed Off: Where to begin...where to begin...I've hated these from the get-go, so to express myself in anything but profanity is going to be difficult.  I'm going to go ahead and skip the "FreeCreditReport.com isn't free at all" tirade and move right onto the actors that were selected to torture our ears and eyes with musical abuse.  My first point will be this... look at the band.  Is it any wonder they have financial troubles?  Is it any wonder that they didn't have the foresight to check out their credit report?  These guys all look like they just spilled out of a smoke-filled van and were paid to put their crappy hippie music on TV.  The songs sound like they were all written in the 80s by a 7-year old with a synthesizer.  I hope they all somehow impaled by their instruments of choice. Message Unintentionally Sent: If your credit score is shot to hell you can just start a band to sing about your financial woes.

Coors Light Guys

Message Trying To Be Sent: Coors Light is the preferred beverage of the NFL, including any coach that has ever been in a press conference. Why They Should Be Killed Off: A rarity in my TV-watching history has been a beer commercial that actually made me not want to drink the beer, and I'll drink any kind of beer you put in front of me.  Coors not only accomplished this feat, but repeatedly.  They've rained down awkward video editing and high levels of douchebaggery into what used to be enjoyable football games to the point where it makes LOOKING at a Coors Light unbearable.   If these retards were hootin and hollerin at me during a press conference I'd choke one of them out with the microphone cord.  I don't know if its just the looks of these guys, or their horrible interactions with the badly clipped videos that make me want to shank them with a broken Coors bottle.  That's ironic justice, my friends. Message Unintentionally Sent: Sneaking into an NFL press conference with cases of alcohol is the easiest thing to do, ever.

Jared From Subway

Message Trying To Be Sent: Subway makes low-fat food that satisfies your appetite. Why He Should Be Killed Off: I suppose congratulations are in order.  I was reading up on him for this post and learned that Jared Fogle lost over 240 lbs on his diet of 6-inch turkey subs for lunch and foot-long veggie subs for dinner, and is now a sloppy-looking, average-sized American.  If he would have gotten into insane shape I would have probably held these commercials in a higher regard, but I'm not about to take health tips from a guy that made the breath-taking transformation from handling his excessive avoirdupois to being another average mother fucker.   Message Unintentionally Sent: Subway makes a relatively low-fat food compared to most fast-food that we assume you're eating, so you can do the absolute minimum to try to get into average shape.  Eat fresh.

Mac vs PC Guys

Message Trying To Be Sent: Macs are "cool" and PC's are "troublesome". Why They Need To Be Killed Off: Okay, we get it already.  There's no need to parade this nerdy asshat and this trick-ass mark hippie in front of us anymore.  One major flaw here, though.  When it comes to computers it comes down to one word, dependability.  No matter what bells and whistles a computer might have, if it doesn't work, it doesn't mean shit to me.  Now, take another look at the two guys that Apple has used to represent PCs and Macs, I'd have to say the Mac guy looks pretty unreliable.  Who am I going to trust in terms of computers?  The nerdy guy in the suit that looks like he's been using them for a long time, or the mumbling guy that looks like he needs a job, and a haircut, and a redbull.  Which one would you hire in a job interview?  Yeah I thought so.  Accidental point: Windows.  You're shooting yourself in the foot here Apple.  Message Unintentionally Sent: PC or Mac, you'll still end up a virgin like these guys.

Chad From Alltel

Message Trying To Be Sent: Alltel offers the best wireless service available because you can share unlimited calling with family members. Why They Should Be Killed Off: Considering the utter ridiculousness of anyone considering Alltel as their preferred wireless carrier outside of mountain towns and painfully rural areas, I'd have to say the existence of this high and mighty jackass is a severe oversight.  What... you're going to brag about how your second-rate wireless carrier trumps the major carriers because you can share unlimited calling amongst your family? Time to get an unlimited plan like a grown up, America.  I'm aware of the Cult of Mac and the Cult of Blackberry.  The last thing we need are Alltel elitists turning up their noses at us because they think they have a superior product.  Just stop, Alltel. Message Unintentionally Sent: If you use Alltel, you can punk out your Verizon, Sprint, Cingular, and T-Mobile buddies because you belong to a more frugal carrier with your spikey blond hair.

Honorable Mentions Hitlist:

Frank Caliendo For Frank TV Dr. Neil Warren Clark From eHarmony.com The Wendy's 3conomics Guys Anyone That Says "He Went To Jareds"


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