Everybody get your vests on, Nick Cannon’s angry.  Someone sent him Eminem’s new song “Bagpipes From Baghdad”, which contains some pretty pointed lyrics about Nick Cannon’s wife, Mariah Carey (yeah I still can’t believe that shit either). The former Nickelodeon cast member, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius soundtrack contributor, and LFO/98 Degrees opener is scraping up Mariah Carey’s cleavagey dress strings in order to restore some relevancy in an increasingly Nick Cannon-less world by trying to get gangster on Eminem…through his online blog.  Lots of goodness after the jump:

“So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”

But then the dude on the other shoulder said, “ What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!”

After carefully mentioning that he’s been taking martial arts and boxing (read: Tae Bo, P90x) for “years”, he goes on to straight up call Eminem out for a face to face meeting:

“So I’m putting this out there now. Marshall Mathers, you need to holler at me on some grown man shit. Man to man, let’s meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I’m here Pimp!

You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake.”

He might need to think about a different strategy, martial arts moves are pretty ineffective if you’re standing there sobbing because the other dude smudged your brand new Ferregamo shoes and now Mariah’s gonna be pissed because you ruined your school clothes.

And speaking of “rape and pillage of an art form”, here’s Nick Cannon’s last released single, “Dime Piece”, off of his now-shelved second album…by his own record company.  If you’re wondering, yes, the only good part of the song is the direct rip of the chorus from BBD’s “Poison”.

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