It’s with great pleasure that I present to you the next installment in the Cubicle Party mixtape series.

The man behind the decks this time around is San Diego’s own W.Steele, a colleague of HighDef’s resident DJ, Mikey Beats, and also part of the one and only Sleeping Giants Music crew.  The two of us hope you enjoy this journey through hip-hop’s golden era.

The cover art, including the 3D work, is courtesy of my good buddy Sean Stillwell.  If you’re interested in getting any work done by him let me know and I’ll be happy to pass it along.

Tracklist and Audio after the jump.  Enjoy.

Tracklist:
01. DJ Premier Intromental
02. Jay-Z – In My Lifetime Remix
03. KRS One – ‘P’ Is Still Free
04. Notorious B.I.G. – Warning
05. O.C. ft. Yvette Michelle – Far From Yours
06. Nas – The World Is Yours
07. Poor Righteous Teachers – Word Is Life
08. Big L – M.V.P. (Buckwild Remix)
09. D & D Allstars – 1,2 Pass It Remix
10. Pete Rock & CL Smooth – One In A Million
11. Group Home – Supa Star
12. Junior Mafia – I Need You Tonight
13. Mos Def ft. Ghostface Killah – Ms. Fat Booty Pt. 2
14. Pete Rock ft. Inspectah Deck & Kurupt – Tru Master
15. Lost Boyz – Renee
16. Smif-N-Wessun – Wreckonize Remix
17. Xzibit ft. Eminem – Don’t Approach Me
18. A Tribe Called Quest – The Chase Pt. 2
19. Gangstarr – Full Clip
20. Method Man ft. Mary J. Blige – You’re All I Need Remix
21. Mobb Deep – Still Shinin’
22. The Alkaholiks – Likwit
23. Common ft. De La Soul – Gettin’ Down At The Ampitheater
24. GZA – Breaker, Breaker
25. LL Cool J – Ill Bomb
26. Rakim – When I Be On The Mic
27. Raekwon – Live From New York
28. Grand Puba – Amazing
29. OJ Simpson Outro

Audio:
Download | Giants Arise

The latest installment of The High Definite’s mixtape series uses the Cubicle Party songs selected in the last 3 months of last year.  With these songs, we say goodbye to The Aughts and the terrible year capping them off.  Good fucking riddance.

Much thanks goes out to the peerless Mikey Beats of Sleeping Giant Music for pushing out yet another quality project for this site.  I’d also like to thank my pal Claudia for working with my childish sketch and somehow turning it into another great piece of cover art.

Tracklist & audio after the jump.  Enjoy.

Tracklist:

01. The Roots feat. Erykah Badu & Eve – You Got Me
02. Jay-Z – Song Cry
03. Gang Starr ft. Inspectah Deck – Above the Clouds
04. Blackstar ft. Common – Respiration
05. The Firm – Phone Tap
06. Genius Gza ft. Method Man – Shadowboxin
07. Mobb Deep – Give Up The Goods
08. Special Ed – I Got It Made
09. OutKast – Player’s Ball
10. Da Bush Babees – We Run Things
11. Common – The Sixth Sense
12. Crown City Rockers – No Sense
13. Supastition ft. Dminor  - Yesterday (Prod. Nicolay)
14. Andre Orefjard Ft. May Yamani – With A Little Help From My Friends
15. Musiq Soulchild – Just Friends
16. Q-Tip – Gettin’ Up
17. Talib Kweli – Hot Thing

Audio:

Download (right-click, save)

Streaming/ Download

Once again, I’m proud to present the newest installment of Cubicle Party mixtapes.  These mixtapes are comprised of all the Cubicle Party selections made throughout a 3-month period (this one is from July-September 2009, as well as some songs from the beginning of this blog’s life that never made it onto a mixtape).

I was once again fortunate enough to work with Mikey Beats of the one and only Sleeping Giants Music crew.  Much thanks to my buddy Claudia for throwing the album art together and dealing with my vague-ass, indecisive “I want’s” and “make it look like’s”.

Thanks to all of you that have been reading and have helped this thing grow to the level it’s at today.  In return, you get an hour of head-nod music celebrating a golden era of hip-hop music.

Enjoy.

Tracklist and Audio after the jump:

Tracklist:

01. Outkast – Elevators
02. Junior M.A.F.I.A. – Player’s Anthem
03. Notorious B.I.G. – Flava In Ya Ear ft. Craig Mack
04. Black Moon – How Many MC’s
05. Dmx – How’s It Going Down
06. A Tribe Called Quest – 1nce Again
07. Pete Rock & CL Smooth – I Got A Love
08. Dilated Peoples – Worst Comes To Worst
09. Black Star – Definition
10. Rakim – Guess Whos Back
11. Raekwon – Incarcerated Scarfaces
12. The Lost Boyz – Lifestyles Of The Rich And Shameless
13. The Pharcyde – Drop
14. De La Soul – Breakadawn
15. Nas – It Ain’t Hard To Tell
16. KRS-1 – Step Into A World
17. Mobb Deep ft. Lil Kim – Quiet Storm
18. Redman, Keith Murray & Eric Sermon – Don’t Make No Sense
19. Jay-Z – You Must Love Me

Audio:

Sleeping Giant Music (Streaming)

Direct Download (Right-Click)

3 more after the jump:

#1. List Universe

List Universe was started in 2007 and after frequent front page posts on Digg and Reddit, it is one of the largest sites in the world, serving 1.5 million unique monthly readers and over 4.5 million pageviews a month.  Although recently the list trends have leaned more toward lazily put together photo lists or half-assed video lists, List Universe stays true to form and continues to produce lists that you actually have to read. The lists are pretty well researched and the writing is nothing to complain about.  Coupled with the fact that most of the topics are pretty interesting, you can definitely waste a good part of your morning learning useless shit here.

#2. 11 Points

In an attempt to literally one-up the mutlitudes of Top 10 sites out there, list-lover, 11 Points writer, and presumed Jew Sam Greenspan loves lists…so much, in fact, that his About page is also a list.  Since they don’t have a Wikipedia page and that’s pretty much the extent of the research I’m willing to put into each of these, I’ll conclude number 2 by saying the lists mix in actual written lists and photo lists, making this site appealing for both the literacy impaired and people that don’t use furious pointing and grunts to communicate.

#3. Oddee

Like the first version of this list…I find myself at a loss in terms of how to keep describing essentially different versions of the same site and continue to make this shit interesting.  I’ll start by saying this.  The first time I stumbled across Oddee I hung out on the site for like 2 hours.  There are so many interesting lists you can get lost in this shit for a long time.  If you’re at the point of the day when you feel like you’re going to splatter your brains all over your cube in an attempt to quell your overwhelming boredom…have a visit and happily waste the rest of your day in obscure facts on a wide variety of topics.

#4. AskMen Top 10

AskMen.com is huge, which means it has a Wikipedia page…which makes my job easier.

AskMen.com was founded in August 1999 by Ricardo Poupada, Christopher Bellerose Rovny, and Luís Rodrigues. The company secured $500,000 in venture capital in 2000 while its main competitor, TheMan.com, obtained $17 million in financing from Highland Capital. In November 2000, TheMan.com shut down operations, providing an opportunity for AskMen.com to become the largest men’s lifestyle website online.  By 2001, AskMen.com surpassed the other websites in its category to become the largest men’s lifestyle website.

Although their lists aren’t the best researched lists and brevity seems to be a requirement, they are plentiful and the topics are pretty interesting.  Despite the slideshow-style display they tend to favor for the smaller lists, the larger lists, like the most recent “Top 49 Most Influential Men” are indicative of how big the site is, with flashy layouts and built in tangental links. Combine that with all the chicks and other manly shit filled into the margins all over the site, and you’ve got a pretty nice way to spend your morning cup of coffee.

#5. The Oatmeal

I debated for a full 20 seconds about whether or not I should include this one, and decided that yes…people do want their numbered lists on obscure topics in comic form.  Although the lists are pretty brief and get right down to business, the topics, like “7 Reasons To Keep Your Tyrannosaur Off Crack Cocaine” provide all the information you need if you’re looking to kick the obscurity level up a notch, or if you pounded through a bag of mushrooms a half hour before and topics like these have become a horrifying reality for you.

I’m very proud to present the newest installment of the Cubicle Party mixtapes.  These mixtapes are comprised of all the Cubicle Party selections made throughout a 3-month period (this one is from April-June 2009).

This particular one was mixed by the incomparable Mikey Beats of the mighty Sleeping Giant Music crew that resides here in San Diego.  I’d also like to thank Conor over at Six Half Dozen for throwing together the cover art.  He literally threw this shit together last minute for me in about 10 minutes and it was exactly how I wanted it to look.

I enjoyed the shit out of this this morning and I hope you do too.  If not, go choke on something phallic.

Tracklist and Audio after the jump:

Tracklist:

I’ve linked the Cubicle Party selections to their respective posts so you can watch the videos.

01. Cypress Hill – Throw Your Hands In The Air
02. KRS-One ft. Das EFX – Represent The Real Hip Hop
03. LL Cool J – I Shot Ya (Remix)
04. Wu-Tang Clan – Triumph
05. Mobb Deep – Survival Of The Fittest
06. Nas – If I Ruled the World
07. Keith Murray – The Most Beautifullest Thing In This World
08. A Tribe Called Quest – Electric Relaxation
09. Jay Z  feat Janet Jackson – Wishing On A Star
10. Goodie Mob ft. OutKast with Cee-Lo – In Due Time
11. Gang Starr – Mass Appeal
12. Lords of the Underground – Funky Child
13. Ghostface Killah – Cher Chez La Ghost
14. Slick Rick Feat Outkast – Street Talkin’
15. Latyrx – Lady Don’t Tek No
16. Blackalicious – Swan Lake
17. Jurassic 5 – Jayou
18. Hieroglyphics – You Never Knew

Fun fact: Opening drop by Talib Kweli.  Closing drop by Opio from Hieroglyphics.

Audio:

Direct Download

Sleeping Giant Music (Streaming)

Zshare (Streaming)

Not him. Some guy named Bubby Gram. Friggin weird, right?

Michael Jackson was such an event of a person that people all over the world strived to be him.  For your entertainment, I’ve comprised a list of the 5 better impersonators I could find on video in order to help you feel better about his passing.  Largely because even though he’s gone, you can find comfort in the fact that you’re not one of these people.  Enjoy.

1. Navi

2. This Guy…Billie Jean Performance

3. The Kid From Moonwalker (starts around the 2:25 mark)

4. Ben Jackson

5. Suleman Mirza (can’t embed because he’s an asshole, so just click the video, one of the better ones)

Update: 9:40 PM PST – Just saw Hail Mary Jane thought of the same thing (I suppose great minds think alike)  but they have a couple I don’t so go check them out if you want more.

I’ve decided to start an experiment to use this blog of mine to provide some good to the world.  I’ve decided to call this little project the “Give A Shit” Project.  Since I haven’t seen this type of thing done yet on any of the normal blogs I scour on a daily basis to provide you with a diversion from productivity, I have no clue what the results will be or if it will even work.  Regardless, I feel like I owe it to myself to try, and maybe do something with this blog that my parents wouldn’t be utterly embarassed of.  I won’t get too into it here, but check it out here, and if you feel so inclined to help me in this project, I could use the company.

And now back to our regularly scheduled distractions.

Yeah, that happened. Shit like this happens a lot. These rich and famous douchebags somehow rose to fame because they push stupid shit like this all over the internet and television until we’re forced to know who they are by name. Our anger, however, is usually misplaced on the face that’s pushed out to the public. So who’s really to blame? The parents? No.  They were merely conceiving a child, and, despite any parents’ efforts to raise a well-rounded and decent person, only the person themselves can really determine who they will turn out to be.  So is it the puppet? No. The only things you can truly pin on any of these pathetic individuals are their ability to not die and having the minimal business acumen to take an opportunity to get paid and cash in on it. There are far more devious villains at work here. These assholes are the corporate big-wigs, the spreaders of this filth, and those behind the scenes that bring these atrocities into fruition in the first place.

This particular crime against society, however, will not go without blame. These people will not escape our scorn and ridicule any longer. I did some research and found the people you should really be pissed at.

1. Christina Norman: Former President (2005-2008) – MTV: Music Television

Christina used to run shit over at MTV’s sister company, VH1.  She was promoted by Van Toffler, President, MTV Networks in May of 2006, to the President of MTV Television. Coincidentally, this happens to be the exact time when MTV Television decided to focus it’s efforts on reality television.  This newfound approach to MTV’s media networks directly led to the employment of the next person on this list and his little creation that led to Spencer’s fame in the first place.

2. Adam Divello: Creator & Executive Producer – The Hills

Adam Divello’s “The Hills” debuted on May 31, 2006.  The premise was simple enough, follow the lives of several young people living in Los Angeles.  Adam and MTV were sure they had a hit on their hands, except they made one fatal error. They chose Heidi Montag as a cast member.  Spencer, having had a taste of reality television on “The Princes Of Malibu”, quickly squirreled his way into her dumb heart and as a result gave Spencer his initial large exposure to the MTV demographics.  This exposure was his real start in television.  Without “The Hills”, no exposure.  No exposure, no invitation by NBC for the show “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”.   No show invitation, no theme song creation.

3. Steve Morales: Producer – “I’m A Celebrity (Get Me Out Of Here)”

Here’s the jackass responsible for producing the song in the first place.  I won’t even justify a bio for this one.  Fuck you dude.

4. Ryan Seacrest: Host – On Air With Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest, the man with like 40 jobs, hosts a morning program called On Air With Ryan Seacrest from Los Angeles.  He debuted the single first on May 11, 2009.  Proof here.  If you Google the song you’ll find corroborating evidence all over the place.  Your role in this was not missed, Seacrest.  Your dirty little fingerprints are all over the body.

5. Spencer Pratt: Director – I’m A Celebrity (Get Me Out Of Here) Music Video

I really tried my best to focus on everyone else in this list,  but this mother fucker just keeps jumping up in front of the crosshairs.  I’m not going to place blame on him for the actual song being created, that falls squarely on the shoulders of Steve Morales.  The topic of this post, however, were the 5 people responsible for the video.  Spencer directed this video.  You can go back to hating him now.

Our economy, once a giant toe of the global economic footprint, has obviously taken a turn for the worst in the past couple of years. With more and more homes being foreclosed and more and more Americans being forced to live in tent cities or shanty towns due to those foreclosures, I figured I’d provide a heads up on some serious camping gear that can soften the blow of the transition from your home to your new transient lifestyle, if you happen to be unfortunate enough to find youself in such a precarious predicament.

1. Eureka Luxury Combo Tent

If you’re fortunate enough to have your family stick around, this is by far one of the best ways to repay them. This bad boy has 3 rooms, 3 doors, sleeps 8-12 people, and most importantly, privacy for intimate moments. These moments will be with yourself, of course, because your wife won’t be “in the mood” until you can get a roof over her head that can’t be slashed with a knife, but at least you can avoid providing emotional scar tissue for your kids.

Buy one here.

2. Texsport Deluxe Camp Shower/Shelter Combo

Just because you’re forced to live like a hobo doesn’t mean that you always have to smell like one, and just because you’re in a camp with a shit-ton of other unfortunate souls doesn’t mean you need to stand around in front of them spraying yourself with a hose like the poor sap in the tent next to you. This deluxe shower/shelter combo is rust proof, includes a 5-gallon camp shower, and a carry-bag, all with a combined weight of about 21 pounds.

Buy one here.

3. The Original Kamp Rite Oversized Tent Cot

It’s more than likely your significant others are going to be at their mother’s house or at a friend’s house instead of enjoying the good ol’ outdoors with you. So, for the man that’s on the go and forced to go solo, the Tent Cot might be a good fit. It’s easy to use, comes assembled, and keeps you about a foot off the ground when you’re sleeping so you don’t have to worry about a snake or other ground-dwelling rodents inviting themselves into your sleeping bag. If you happen to run into a camp-lady and things get steamy, you might need to take it to her tent because I doubt this thing could support two depressed adults trying to madly hump away their hatred of The Man.

Buy one here.

4. The Roper Mobile Duros Tablet PC

You don’t want to use the “computer centers” that these camps are setting up for two reasons.

1. You don’t want to have to wait in line to use the computers while some asshole in front of you is just using his minutes to check out more pictures of fucking cats with misspelled words on them.

2. It’s awkward looking at internet porn in a community computer room. (Again, probably because you’re going to be alone and lonely.)

To alleviate this problem, the Duros 8404 Ruggedized Tablet PC is tough, functional, and has all the camping features you could want like GPS and whatnot. Perfect for working on your resume or sending anonymous threatening e-mails to your former employer.

Product Site.

5. Tool Logic Survival Card With Fire Starter

Here’s hoping your time spent in foreclosure is short-lived.  Until that time, this card will hold you over.  Since none of your credit cards mean shit anymore, you can dump ‘em and put this in their place.  It has  a magnesium alloy fire starter, a loud signal (rape) whistle, plus a brilliant red LED flashlight. There’s also a tweezer and toothpick and a hole for lanyard attachment.  Most importantly, it has a palm-sized stainless steel blade in case you need to sneak into the next guy’s tent to steal shit, or in case you have to shank the guy trying to break into your tent to steal your shit because, let’s face it, everyone around you is probably just as desperate as you are. 

But it here.

Best of luck, seriously, this housing situation is fucked up.

The fuck did you just say to me?

Over the past couple of weeks, Chris Brown’s image has dramatically changed in the public eye from teenage R&B heartthrob to “someone who knows how to put a woman in their place” or “violent woman beater”, whichever side of the asshole line you’re on.  Either way, a  revisit of some of his lyrics with this new mentality shows a decidedly violent undertone, which could have prevented the tragedy from occuring in the first place if only we would have heeded his warnings.  5 Songs we really should have listened to after the jump, with a bunch of angry Chris Brown pictures to add a little flavor:

1. Take You Down

“Let me take you down
I really wanna take you down
And show you what I’m about”

"This shit isn't difficult... I asked for the fucking blue one and which one did you bring..."

2. Damage

“Right then I stopped thinkin’ consequences…
Guess I must have lost my mind for a minute.”

“Look at the damage, look at the damage that I caused…”

3. Winner

“Round two it ain’t a thing,
I was moving every way you move,
Bobbing and weaving,
Like a young boy was supposed to do,
It seemed like only yesterday that we did it”

“Baby, you’re a winner,
Didn’t even take ya twelve rounds to do it”

4. Help Me

“I can’t stop myself
You effing lovely
I wanna have you screaming
Love you roughly
I need a little bit of help
Keep raising the body count
When ever I take em out
I end up taking em down
Can you help me,help me, help me?
Shoot me or something
Help me, help me, help me
Do me or something
I need help”

"Both eyes sonnn."

5. Just Fine

“Your eyes will be O.K. it will be alright.
You’ll be just fine (just fine, just fine)”

Our economy is in the shitter.  To fix it, its important that we look at history to determine a best course of action based off of sound decisions made in the past.  In looking back, however, we should not overlook a timeless economy that still thrives in lunch rooms and cafeterias across America today: lunch table bartering.  Whether you were the kid with the awesome packed lunch that wielded limitless trading power due to the quality of your snack foods, or the school lunch kid that was willing to sacrifice entire sections of your lunch for that one badass snack, cafeteria bartering made a nutritional and educational impact on us all.  These aren’t your normal cookies and chips and shit.  These are unique gems found in the lunchboxes of certain kids who pretty much owned the floor come lunch time. In celebration of this time-honored tradition, here are the top snacks whose trading values far outweighed their nutritional values. 

1. Zebra Cakes

Trade Value: Baked goods, sweet snacks, almost anything

Summary: Produced by baking legend Little Debbie, Zebra Cakes are delicious yellow cakes with creme filling covered in white icing and trimmed with fudge stripes. Twin-wrapped eight or 10 to a carton. Also available as a single serving.

Trade Value Summary: I’m going to start by saying that if Little Debbie made an announcement that they were putting crack in Zebra Cakes, no one would be surprised.  It was one of the few baked goods that kids would do unspeakable acts for.  It was a trading juggernaut that still dominates lunch table bartering today.

2. Dunk-A-Roos

Trade Value: Almost any snack of equal or lesser quantity.  Easily tradable for bags of chips, sleeves of cookies, gummy snack packs, cupped snacks (jello, pudding), baked goods, and literally almost any other desert you wanted.

Summary: First launched in 1993, the Dunk-A-Roo was an instant lunchroom hit.  It consisted of a snack-sized box that contained kangaroo-shaped cookies and either chocolate or vanilla frosting used as a dipping sauce. The cookies are meant to be dunked into the frosting before eaten and come in different shapes (biplane, bicycle, hot air balloon and the mascot’s head). Usual frosting flavors include chocolate (with chocolate chip cookies) and vanilla (with cinnamon cookies), and vanilla can also contain rainbow sprinkles. Individual snack packages contain about ten cookies and a cubic inch of frosting.

Trade Value Summary: Dunk-A-Roos were a smash hit.  Everyone wanted them and people would probably still saw someone’s head off with a piece of cardboard to get a package nowadays.  The combinations of cookies and frosting made them a hit.  That you had to dunk the cookies INTO the frosting made them legendary.  The frosting technically took it out of the “solid snack food” realm, which allowed it to be a crossover snack into gelatinous, cupped snacks, a first in modern lunch table trading.

3. Gushers

Trade Value: Gummies, Candy Bars, or a Fruity Snacks of Equal or Lesser Quantity

Summary: The center of each gusher is a thick sweetened liquid made from fruit juice and concentrated pears, and is surrounded by a chewy gelatinous sugar covering. When one bites into the snack, the liquid gushes out, hence the name, Fruit Gushers.

Value Summary: Gushers were one of the premier gummy snacks available at their prime.  Fruit flavored gummies in a pouch, these hexagonal, “juice”-filled wondersnacks were a big commodity amongst lunch table traders, especially when trading with a ziploc bagged-snack. (Pre-packaged snacks were always considered more sanitary and safe than ziploc bagged-snacks.) As we grew older and learned things that the female and male anatomy could do, the name “gushers” became highly inappopriate, only increasing their value.  This combined with the media blitz trying to convince kids your head would swell up into a giant fruit with facial features made them highly desirable. The limited quantities per pack, however, prevented them from being tradable with main courses and snacks of higher quantity. 

4. Ecto Cooler

Trade Value: Any boxed, canned, or pouched drink.  Fruity or gummy candy.  Biggest competitors: Squeeze-Its, Mondo Sport Squeezers

Summary: A product tie-in with the cartoon series “The Real Ghostbusters”, the deal to create the Ecto Cooler was made in 1987.   It was originally supposed to run with the series, but ended up surviving it and then some.

Trade Value Summary: The Ecto Cooler was a rarity in lunch table bartering because it was the first drink that was so badass that you could trade it for solid snacks, making it one of the premier drinks to find in your lunchbox come trading time.  It was able to transcend states of matter, making it the Pamplona of liquid lunch box commodities.

5. Fruit By The Foot

Trade Value: Almost any baked good, any secondary dessert item, gummy-based snacks, fruit-based snacks

Summary: Made by General Mills in the late 80s, it provided 25% of your Vitamin C intake in 80 calories.  It was a three foot by one inch strip that used to have a sticker as the wrapper in those same dimensions, but was soon changed to paper with jokes and shit on them after kids started sticker bombing Fruit By The Foots everywhere.

Trade Value Summary: It was three feet of fun that far outweiged its retarded cousin Fruit Rollups on the trading floor. (C’mon, everyone used to look retarded eating those.  There were basically 4 ways to eat these, and each of them made you look like you should probably have to wear a helmet everyday and you got out of school earlier than everyone else:

1. Punching out the shapes, eating them, then basically eating a candy frame
2. Those kids that wrapped them around their thumbs then pretended they were eating their skin off
3. Balling it up into a gummy ball and eating the whole thing
4. Chomping and pulling at it rolled up and having your neck snap back when it finally snapped apart

…but I digress) Fruit By The Foot was a gummy market sensation due to its unique design and higher quality than its Fruit Rollup counterpart.

6. Handi-Snacks

Trade Value: Other compartmentalized snacks (i.e. Dunk-A-Roos), salty snacks, cracker based snacks like peanut butter Ritz, cheese-based snacks

Summary:  Handi-Snacks were released by Nabisco back in the 80′s.  Now sold under the Kraft brand, Handi-Snacks consist of two-compartments: one compartment for the crackers and the red spreading stick, and one compartment for the cheese.

Trade Value Summary: Handi-Snacks were basically the equivalent of Dunk-A-Roos for kids that preferred salty or cheese-based snacks.  The cheese was probably Cheez Whiz, but that didn’t stop kids from spreading that shit like buttcheeks and going to town.  They made much needed improvements by making the crackers more stick-like so you could dip the sticks into the cheese.  This innovation upped the trade value significantly, and cheese-based snacking hasn’t been the same since.

7. Shark Bites

Trade Value: Gummies, Candy, Sweet Snacks

Summary: A pouch contained several individual gummy sharks of different colors and flavors.  Each pouch contained 100% of your daily requirement of vitamin C.

Trade Value Summary: Despite the fact that Betty Crocker just couldn’t get rid of the fucking yellow ones, she made a hit with this one.  The infamous “mystery flavor” (I’m guessing it was crack…those shits are delicious) White Shark was definitely the most coveted.  Packages of Shark Bites that had multiple White Sharks in them were a rarity, upping the trade value of the package exponentially.

Guest Post: Will Bond

My buddy Will’s mom made the best lunches known to man, pretty much making him an expert on the subject.  I had to let him weigh in on this, seeing as how he was like the Gordon Gekko of lunch room bartering, everyone was trying to do business with him, and he was taking people to the cleaners.  Although receiving daily oral sex offers from your friends in exchange for your mom’s sandwich would be unnerving to some people, Will handled it with class and dignity for years, then made you trade your entire lunch for half of it.

Below is a list of good tradable lunchbox foods.  they range from legendary snacks that were on the cutting edge of the industry to basic wholesome foods that even Kenny Mckormick could barter for as the coolest snacks out there.  This list is being generated as suggestions to help complete your already skillfully crafted list.

(in no particular order)
Fruit Roll-Ups: 

While this snack wasn’t as flashy as fruit by the foot, it was the premier fruit snack for years before bite sized snacks became all high tech and shit like gushers.
Cooler Ranch Doritos: 

Born from the original “cool ranch”, coolER ranch is the most popular chip of all time which deserves a top ten mention.  when they started putting them in the lunch portioned bags their trade value went up because they were convenient to buy and assured those on the receiving end of a lunchtime trade that said trade wasnt initiated because something unsanitary happened to the chips.
Star Crunch: 

This was the most ballin dessert for a long time.  chewy yet crunchy.  impressive in stature but not overbearing.  just the name makes you feel like you’re in a laser fight.  who wouldn’t trade a bag of chocolate milk and two cookies for a STAR CRUNCH!!!!
Snack Packs: 

Both jello and pudding are historically common tradables.
E L Fudge Cookies: 

Two wholesome crisps adjoined by a nice thick layer of fudge that could only be assembled by hardy tree-dwelling elves.
Chewy Chips Ahoy: 

Always soft and chewy.  anything less than 3 cookies would be a waste of time though.
i feel like this list lacks an exclamation point (with the exception of star crunch) but thats probably because you’ve got dunkaroos and shark bites covered.

also mad respekt to tator tots although they weren’t “lunchbox food”, pizza lunchables specifically, of course my mom’s sandwiches, very fine drinks (although probably only at the schools in our area), and the rice krispee treats from any mormon family.

With TV in the dismal state that its in, and our nation barely getting through 2008 alive, I think an upheaval of sorts is overdue.  With the decline in television viewership due to the lack of quality programming (just made that up, but it sounds about right), it would be smart for advertisers to purge unwanted fat from their expensive TV campaigns, so it can be funneled into more productive advertising sources (i.e. blogs like this that kick ass) So, to help trim the fat, I’ve got some suggestions for commercial characters that need to be killed off in 2009.

After the jump:

FreeCreditReport.com Guys

Message Trying To Be Sent:

You can avoid a myriad of financial problems related to your credit score by using FreeCreditReport.com to stay updated on your credit history. 

Why They Should Be Killed Off:

Where to begin…where to begin…I’ve hated these from the get-go, so to express myself in anything but profanity is going to be difficult.  I’m going to go ahead and skip the “FreeCreditReport.com isn’t free at all” tirade and move right onto the actors that were selected to torture our ears and eyes with musical abuse.  My first point will be this… look at the band.  Is it any wonder they have financial troubles?  Is it any wonder that they didn’t have the foresight to check out their credit report?  These guys all look like they just spilled out of a smoke-filled van and were paid to put their crappy hippie music on TV.  The songs sound like they were all written in the 80s by a 7-year old with a synthesizer.  I hope they all somehow impaled by their instruments of choice.

Message Unintentionally Sent:

If your credit score is shot to hell you can just start a band to sing about your financial woes.

Coors Light Guys

Message Trying To Be Sent:

Coors Light is the preferred beverage of the NFL, including any coach that has ever been in a press conference.

Why They Should Be Killed Off:

A rarity in my TV-watching history has been a beer commercial that actually made me not want to drink the beer, and I’ll drink any kind of beer you put in front of me.  Coors not only accomplished this feat, but repeatedly.  They’ve rained down awkward video editing and high levels of douchebaggery into what used to be enjoyable football games to the point where it makes LOOKING at a Coors Light unbearable.   If these retards were hootin and hollerin at me during a press conference I’d choke one of them out with the microphone cord.  I don’t know if its just the looks of these guys, or their horrible interactions with the badly clipped videos that make me want to shank them with a broken Coors bottle.  That’s ironic justice, my friends.

Message Unintentionally Sent:

Sneaking into an NFL press conference with cases of alcohol is the easiest thing to do, ever.

Jared From Subway

Message Trying To Be Sent:

Subway makes low-fat food that satisfies your appetite.

Why He Should Be Killed Off:

I suppose congratulations are in order.  I was reading up on him for this post and learned that Jared Fogle lost over 240 lbs on his diet of 6-inch turkey subs for lunch and foot-long veggie subs for dinner, and is now a sloppy-looking, average-sized American.  If he would have gotten into insane shape I would have probably held these commercials in a higher regard, but I’m not about to take health tips from a guy that made the breath-taking transformation from handling his excessive avoirdupois to being another average mother fucker.  

Message Unintentionally Sent:

Subway makes a relatively low-fat food compared to most fast-food that we assume you’re eating, so you can do the absolute minimum to try to get into average shape.  Eat fresh.

Mac vs PC Guys

Message Trying To Be Sent:

Macs are “cool” and PC’s are “troublesome”.

Why They Need To Be Killed Off:

Okay, we get it already.  There’s no need to parade this nerdy asshat and this trick-ass mark hippie in front of us anymore.  One major flaw here, though.  When it comes to computers it comes down to one word, dependability.  No matter what bells and whistles a computer might have, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean shit to me.  Now, take another look at the two guys that Apple has used to represent PCs and Macs, I’d have to say the Mac guy looks pretty unreliable.  Who am I going to trust in terms of computers?  The nerdy guy in the suit that looks like he’s been using them for a long time, or the mumbling guy that looks like he needs a job, and a haircut, and a redbull.  Which one would you hire in a job interview?  Yeah I thought so.  Accidental point: Windows.  You’re shooting yourself in the foot here Apple. 

Message Unintentionally Sent:

PC or Mac, you’ll still end up a virgin like these guys.

Chad From Alltel

Message Trying To Be Sent:

Alltel offers the best wireless service available because you can share unlimited calling with family members.

Why They Should Be Killed Off:

Considering the utter ridiculousness of anyone considering Alltel as their preferred wireless carrier outside of mountain towns and painfully rural areas, I’d have to say the existence of this high and mighty jackass is a severe oversight.  What… you’re going to brag about how your second-rate wireless carrier trumps the major carriers because you can share unlimited calling amongst your family? Time to get an unlimited plan like a grown up, America.  I’m aware of the Cult of Mac and the Cult of Blackberry.  The last thing we need are Alltel elitists turning up their noses at us because they think they have a superior product.  Just stop, Alltel.

Message Unintentionally Sent:

If you use Alltel, you can punk out your Verizon, Sprint, Cingular, and T-Mobile buddies because you belong to a more frugal carrier with your spikey blond hair.

Honorable Mentions Hitlist:

Frank Caliendo For Frank TV

Dr. Neil Warren Clark From eHarmony.com

The Wendy’s 3conomics Guys

Anyone That Says “He Went To Jareds”

The 90s, in my opinion, were the best years I’ve lived through.  Music, movies, fashion…everything was crazy in the 90s.  It was a simpler time, when the internet wasn’t around to provide access to inappropriate material to households everywhere.  This was a time where MTV actually played music videos, and kids pretty much had to rely on sexy R&B/rap videos and stashed pornography to push them into puberty.  This list is a tribute to some of the best videos of that era.    An era where women let men know exactly what was going on and how they wanted to get down.  Where they weren’t shy about their sexuality and what they wanted to do with it. An era of boner jams.

Might not be safe for work…

Your Boss: What are you looking at?

You: The sales reports you told me to look over.

Your Boss: Then why are you sweating and not wearing pants?

That’s exactly how the conversation will go.  You’ve been warned.  On to the hotness.

1. Adina Howard – Freak Like Me

Best Line: “I got you shook up on your knees.”‘

Picture that….and yeah, you get it.  The first single from Adina’s 1995 album “Do You Want To Ride?” It pretty much started the “hypersexual” style of music that became popular with awesome female artists in the 90s.  However, this will forever be the freak’s anthem….that’s it. 

2. Toni Braxton – You’re Makin Me high

Best Line: Holy sh-… I can’t pick one, seriously.  Have you ever read these lyrics before…my goodness. [Lyrics]

If it was before Adina, it probably could have taken number 1.  It’s lyrics alone should have taken the top spot, and the video is ridiculous…ridiculous.   From her 1996 album “Secrets”, it was porn put to music by infamous panty-dropper and American hero, Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds.  They wouldn’t even need a video, all they would have needed was a picture of her in that white outfit and I would have given her a spot. 

3. Lil Kim – Crush On You

Best Line: “I’ll be undressed in the bra all see through.”

Kim was a freak, and everyone knew that from the get-go.  Here’s the thing though.  Lil Kim can actually rap.  Sure, she bit Biggie’s style… but she got nasty on verse after verse back in the day.  Off her ’97 debut album, the song featured Junior M.A.F.I.A-mates Lil Cease and The Notorious BIG. There were a lot of songs to pick for Kim, but this had to make the list due to its infamy and the Queen Bee’s ability to proudly skank it up in any color hair imaginable.  She’s the type of broad to take a man to other worlds one night, then leave him robbed and framed for murder the next morning.

4. TLC – Red Light Special

Best Line: “I’ll let you go further if you take the southern route”

The ultimate female rap/r&b group, TLC had a whole slew of “come hither” music back in the 90s.  The video to the 1995 second single from CrazySexyCool was so racy that they had to shoot an alternate version in which the guitarist DOESN’T pull down Chilli’s pants.  So…y’know..it had to make the list. Moving on, keep your hands where I can see ‘em.

5. Salt N Pepa ft. En Vogue – Whatta Man

Best Line: “From seven to seven he’s got me open like Seven Eleven”

Finally, a song that’s not like… ”my man cheats” or “my man’s a scumbag”.  In fact, these ladies do nothing but sing the praises of their men for the entire world to hear in this ’94 anthem.  Ahem… take a hint, complainy, whiny, spiteful females that have been releasing songs lately.  Men are awesome, time to start broadcasting it.  Even though Sandra “Pepa” Denton looks like one of the Wild Things from “Where The Wild Things Are”, En Vogue and the rest of this video is so hot that most of us could look past it.

The rest after the jump:

6. Janet Jackson – Anytime, Anyplace

Best Line: “Skirt around my waist, wall against my face”

Yeaahhh…that’s a good line. The B-Side for this 1994 single was titled “Throb”…nuff said.  Chuckle freely.

7. Monifa – Touch It

Best Line: “Call my name and give it to me right.”

Okay, its not the best line.  However, considering the fact that the lyrics are pretty much the same 4 lines looped throughout the entire song, some of which are pretty blunt and explicit… I had to pick one that wouldn’t give this site an R rating.  All I’m going to say about this video is that Monifa knew exactly what she wanted, and her sex life probably declined after this album just like her music career…she was pushing the brink as it is in this video.

8. Aaliyah – One In A Million

Best Line: “I’ll give you anything you want from me.”

She’s the hottest female R&B singer ever if you ask me… and since you’re reading this I’m going to assume you would.  She was so hot that women sweat her.  The song isn’t toooo sexually explicit, but she deserves to make any list that involves 90s R&B.

9. Kut Klose – Surrender

Best Line: “I’ll make you scream my name boy.”

This ’95 act is often overlooked, but how could you not have a list involving 90s riled up ladies and not include a group produced by Keith Sweat?  It shows too, this song is just jam packed with Keith Sweat songisms.  I dare you to try to listen to this whole song and not be naked by the end.

Before you start hanging out with white people on the weekends, realize that it’s not 2 days chocked full of boating, collared shirts, The Office and Entourage reruns, and light beer.  Oftentimes, you will discover many of your white friends participate in a cultural phenomena that has gone on for many white generations past. 

White people, inevitably riddled with guilt at their comparatively easy racial history, take it upon themselves to exert their bodies to benefit the less fortunate.  Some popular examples of this are 5ks, 10ks, marathons, “race for”s, and a variety of other human exercise spectacles.   These events are usually held to either increase awareness of a disease or social injustice, or to raise money to discover the cures for these issues.

You should be aware that most of the participants for various guilt-depleting, karma-boosting events are usually daily joggers, so you should do the same lest you end the race heaving and panting like a fatbody while the rest of your white friends talk about what type of Jamba Juice they’re going to enjoy (with protein, of course).

If you happen to participate, its also important that you are somewhat aware of the basics regarding whatever disease, social stigma, or unfortunate occurance for which you happen to be exercising.  Make sure that you also have some extra loot lying around, for you will not only have to participate in the event, but pay a registration fee (at the minimum) to do so.

Finally, and most importantly, don’t crack a joke, comment, remark, or limerick that would do anything to belittle or make-light-of the cause that you are helping.  White people DO NOT like it when their social and monetary sacrifices are not respected for the acts of grandeur that they are.  Stick to these instructions and you can be exhausted, yet unfulfilled, this weekend!

Other Stuff That White People Like  – The High Definite

#1. Cracked

Stemming from the discontinued humor magazine, I’ve spent hours on Cracked looking at the ridiculous items they decide to research.  The topics are almost always entertaining, and they have a way of making ridiculous topics sound life-threatingly interesting.  The surprise, I’ve found, is that they are stunningly well researched and informative.  I think I’ve learned more from this site than I did in college. 

#2. Topless Robot

You need to go to the “Topless Robot’s Most Popular List” to find most of the actual numbered lists.  Edited by the almost positively stoned Rob Bricken, they’ve made a solid attempt at the numerical list and have nailed it on the head.  Obscure topics, check.  Funny pictures to accompany said obscure topics, check.  Creative commentary, check.  Wasted 20 more minutes of time I should have spent working, check. 

#3. OMGLists

At this point I’ve realized how hard it is to talk about essentially the same thing on every number… so this could get repetitive, whatever…..OMG…LISTS!!!  I’m guessing they’re part of the GamePro Media Network, which makes me suspicious of whether or not GamePro isn’t just trying to take advantage of the trends to increase viewership on their other sites.  Either way, they hold it down pretty hard so I won’t hate for now.

#4. Holy Taco

Holy Taco, aka ” the website name that should most likely be followed by the word Batman”, is a constant source of entertainment for me.  Although I understand they are relatively new, they’ve made a splash on my heart with their original content and numerical lists on obscure topics.  Stocked with a lot of college-related topics, such as “The 10 Most Worthless College Majors”, and “16 Penalties Committed By College Freshman”,  it’s sure to keep the 18-24 demographic happy (much like HighDefinite, right?  right? bahh)

#5. Mental Floss

I literally picked this one because I didn’t want to seem like the lazy asshole that I am and stop with just 4 items on my list.  I mean, 5 is pushing it in the laziness area, but 4 is just awful.  So, here comes the filler.  From “researching” on their website for a couple of minutes, I’ve learned that Mental Floss (I was just going to copy and paste wikipedia shit here but I couldn’t find any) is a (oh wait I found some Wikipedia shit, sweet):

mental_floss is a bi-monthly American magazine, launched in 2001^[1] in Birmingham, Alabama, that presents facts and trivia in a humorous way. It includes columns by A.J. Jacobs and Ken Jennings.

Okayyyy…sounds kinda nerdy.  Some of their lists are good though, so check it out if you’re really, really bored.  Probably the most ironic part of the site is the name, with floss being a rare commodity in the magazine’s founding state.

Probably Not The Guy I Talked To

Knowing my blog isn’t the internet juggernaut that it should be, my powers of acquiring badass people to interview are slim to none.  However, there are some people that are forced to answer my questions whether they want to or not… and those people are the ChaCha Guides.  These are real people that answer my ridiculous questions and bar bets via text message and drunk voicemails in a pleasant, concise text right to my phone.  No more… “we’ll look it up later, brah”.  NO!  We’ll find out NOW, son. It is possibly the greatest service ever conceived in the quest of instant, useless, and sometimes actually informative, knowledge.  Thanks to these people all over the country, and my unlimited texting, I give you…The ChaCha Interview.

Couple of notes:

1. Due to the fact that I think whichever guide picks my questions out of the queue answers it, I’m going to try my best to make this sound like an actual conversation.

2. ChaCha won’t answer rude or crude (yes I got that from the Ninja Turtles theme song) questions, I’ve had to censor myself, much to my chagrin.

3. All these questions were literally answered in about 1-2 minutes.  I’m being super serial.

High Definite: ChaCha can I ask you a few questions for my blog High Definite?

ChaCha: Of course! ChaCha is here for you 24/7!

High Definite: Noyce.  First question: Can you give me a one sentence description of what ChaCha does?

ChaCha: ChaCha is a human-powered search and answers service.  Thanks for using ChaCha!  Anymore questions?

High Definite: Yes… yes there are.  How Many ChaCha guides are there and how are you paid?

ChaCha: There are guides in every state of the U.S. and we are independent contractors, we get paid per question.  Thanks, ChaCha on!

High Definite: Indeed, ChaCha on.  Quick skills question: Why do white people love Wayne Brady?

Hint to the Reader: (It’s in the second paragraph.)

ChaCha: White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcom X.  ChaCha on!

High Definite: Nailed It.  Okay another skills question…if you could play any Guitar Hero song right now, which one would it be?

ChaCha: Hmm… I think I would go with No Rain by Blind Melon, I love that song.  Thanks for using Chacha!

High Definite: Who do you blame for the crappy economy?

ChaCha: I blame the banks for issuing loans to people who couldn’t afford it.  That was the beginning of this whole issue.

High Definite: Okay another company question.  How does ChaCha make money?

ChaCha: ChaCha earns revenue from advertising and through its strategic partnerships. ChaCha is free so keep asking questions! Std msg rate may apply.

High Definite: One final question, what is the wildest question ever answered by a ChaCha guide or by you?

ChaCha: The wildest for me was “will you marry me” I mean what if I would have said yes?!?!

High Definite: Welp, that’s all of them.  Thanks for the interview.  I’ve been chacha-ing for a while now and I’ve got to say your backside is breathtaking.  You guys rock real hard.

ChaCha: Thanks!  Have a good day!

You can start chacha-ing by either texting ChaCha (242242) or call 1.800.2ChaCha and leave a message.

- The High’Def

[digg=http://digg.com/business_finance/A_Text_Interview_With_ChaCha_com]

William "Billy" D. Mays (1958-Infinity)

I submit this nomination humbly as a late-night purveyor of mindless television.  Most of which is normally spent in some sort of inebriation or insomniatic state.  A certain face frequents the hours of drivel and drudgery that compose our current state of having the worst period of late-night television in history.  This face, however, stands alone amongst the reality tv, assinine game shows, and endless repeats of great shows from previous television eras.  Attached to this face is a voice, a loud one, yet a voice that promotes products that are alien in their helpfulness.  Although at a screaming level the entire time, it barely contains how excited we should be of how much these products can help us in our daily lives.  This voice, of course, comes from a man, a bearded man.  THE man.

Starting with OxiClean and Orangle Glo (at least for me) I found myself constantly mesmerized by the monotonous yell that so concisely, yet thoroughly, presents products designed to improve your day to day household chores.  A yell that not only will give you the product on hand at 19.99 or in multiples of payments in that amount, but will include smaller, more convenient sized additional products free of charge.  All if you order now.  Now.  A unit of measurement that has been all but absent in this year’s presidential race.  It’s always “change is coming”, or “solutions are being developed”.  Not only does his generosity know no bounds, but just look at the products he promotes:

OxiClean Detergent Ball- not only a great detergent, USING THE POWER OF OXYGEN, but a convenient delivery method

Big City Slider- Haven’t you ever had a time where you were like… man I wish I could eat 5 mini-burgers right now…yeah you have.

Kaboom!

Hercules Hook – One of the fastest, and easiest ways to hang just about anything

Ding King – Hit as many cars as you want and get away with it!

These are only a few amazing products that Mr. Mays has helped to provide to America on a late-nightly basis.  This fall, lets choose a man who’s for America, easy solutions, inexpensive, reliable products, and improving your life on a daily basis.  But you gotta call NOW.  Here’s how to order…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6csp2fZt2E]

Pulp Fiction Breakfast Scene

Best of the best after the jump…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd4VSkj0Wks]

Pulp Fiction Restaurant Scene

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBFUDbOldMs]

Reservoir Dogs Tipping Scene

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU9OrGbbYnY]

True Romance Sicilian Scene

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdWF7kd1tNo]

Kill Bill Superman Speech