High Definite/High Definite Exclusive

Yeah sonn…

…and even though these are played out, I thought the idea of how awkward puberty would have been for Steve Urkel in real life was hilarious so I made a few.

The fuck did you just say to me?

Over the past couple of weeks, Chris Brown’s image has dramatically changed in the public eye from teenage R&B heartthrob to “someone who knows how to put a woman in their place” or “violent woman beater”, whichever side of the asshole line you’re on.  Either way, a  revisit of some of his lyrics with this new mentality shows a decidedly violent undertone, which could have prevented the tragedy from occuring in the first place if only we would have heeded his warnings.  5 Songs we really should have listened to after the jump, with a bunch of angry Chris Brown pictures to add a little flavor:

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Our economy is in the shitter.  To fix it, its important that we look at history to determine a best course of action based off of sound decisions made in the past.  In looking back, however, we should not overlook a timeless economy that still thrives in lunch rooms and cafeterias across America today: lunch table bartering.  Whether you were the kid with the awesome packed lunch that wielded limitless trading power due to the quality of your snack foods, or the school lunch kid that was willing to sacrifice entire sections of your lunch for that one badass snack, cafeteria bartering made a nutritional and educational impact on us all.  These aren’t your normal cookies and chips and shit.  These are unique gems found in the lunchboxes of certain kids who pretty much owned the floor come lunch time. In celebration of this time-honored tradition, here are the top snacks whose trading values far outweighed their nutritional values. 

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With TV in the dismal state that its in, and our nation barely getting through 2008 alive, I think an upheaval of sorts is overdue.  With the decline in television viewership due to the lack of quality programming (just made that up, but it sounds about right), it would be smart for advertisers to purge unwanted fat from their expensive TV campaigns, so it can be funneled into more productive advertising sources (i.e. blogs like this that kick ass) So, to help trim the fat, I’ve got some suggestions for commercial characters that need to be killed off in 2009.

After the jump:

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The 90s, in my opinion, were the best years I’ve lived through.  Music, movies, fashion…everything was crazy in the 90s.  It was a simpler time, when the internet wasn’t around to provide access to inappropriate material to households everywhere.  This was a time where MTV actually played music videos, and kids pretty much had to rely on sexy R&B/rap videos and stashed pornography to push them into puberty.  This list is a tribute to some of the best videos of that era.    An era where women let men know exactly what was going on and how they wanted to get down.  Where they weren’t shy about their sexuality and what they wanted to do with it. An era of boner jams.

Might not be safe for work…

Your Boss: What are you looking at?

You: The sales reports you told me to look over.

Your Boss: Then why are you sweating and not wearing pants?

That’s exactly how the conversation will go.  You’ve been warned.  On to the hotness.

1. Adina Howard – Freak Like Me

Best Line: “I got you shook up on your knees.”‘

Picture that….and yeah, you get it.  The first single from Adina’s 1995 album “Do You Want To Ride?” It pretty much started the “hypersexual” style of music that became popular with awesome female artists in the 90s.  However, this will forever be the freak’s anthem….that’s it. 

2. Toni Braxton – You’re Makin Me high

Best Line: Holy sh-… I can’t pick one, seriously.  Have you ever read these lyrics before…my goodness. [Lyrics]

If it was before Adina, it probably could have taken number 1.  It’s lyrics alone should have taken the top spot, and the video is ridiculous…ridiculous.   From her 1996 album “Secrets”, it was porn put to music by infamous panty-dropper and American hero, Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds.  They wouldn’t even need a video, all they would have needed was a picture of her in that white outfit and I would have given her a spot. 

3. Lil Kim – Crush On You

Best Line: “I’ll be undressed in the bra all see through.”

Kim was a freak, and everyone knew that from the get-go.  Here’s the thing though.  Lil Kim can actually rap.  Sure, she bit Biggie’s style… but she got nasty on verse after verse back in the day.  Off her ’97 debut album, the song featured Junior M.A.F.I.A-mates Lil Cease and The Notorious BIG. There were a lot of songs to pick for Kim, but this had to make the list due to its infamy and the Queen Bee’s ability to proudly skank it up in any color hair imaginable.  She’s the type of broad to take a man to other worlds one night, then leave him robbed and framed for murder the next morning.

4. TLC – Red Light Special

Best Line: “I’ll let you go further if you take the southern route”

The ultimate female rap/r&b group, TLC had a whole slew of “come hither” music back in the 90s.  The video to the 1995 second single from CrazySexyCool was so racy that they had to shoot an alternate version in which the guitarist DOESN’T pull down Chilli’s pants.  So…y’know..it had to make the list. Moving on, keep your hands where I can see ‘em.

5. Salt N Pepa ft. En Vogue – Whatta Man

Best Line: “From seven to seven he’s got me open like Seven Eleven”

Finally, a song that’s not like… ”my man cheats” or “my man’s a scumbag”.  In fact, these ladies do nothing but sing the praises of their men for the entire world to hear in this ’94 anthem.  Ahem… take a hint, complainy, whiny, spiteful females that have been releasing songs lately.  Men are awesome, time to start broadcasting it.  Even though Sandra “Pepa” Denton looks like one of the Wild Things from “Where The Wild Things Are”, En Vogue and the rest of this video is so hot that most of us could look past it.

The rest after the jump:

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#111 Exercising For Causes

Before you start hanging out with white people on the weekends, realize that it’s not 2 days chocked full of boating, collared shirts, The Office and Entourage reruns, and light beer.  Oftentimes, you will discover many of your white friends participate in a cultural phenomena that has gone on for many white generations past. 

White people, inevitably riddled with guilt at their comparatively easy racial history, take it upon themselves to exert their bodies to benefit the less fortunate.  Some popular examples of this are 5ks, 10ks, marathons, “race for”s, and a variety of other human exercise spectacles.   These events are usually held to either increase awareness of a disease or social injustice, or to raise money to discover the cures for these issues.

You should be aware that most of the participants for various guilt-depleting, karma-boosting events are usually daily joggers, so you should do the same lest you end the race heaving and panting like a fatbody while the rest of your white friends talk about what type of Jamba Juice they’re going to enjoy (with protein, of course).

If you happen to participate, its also important that you are somewhat aware of the basics regarding whatever disease, social stigma, or unfortunate occurance for which you happen to be exercising.  Make sure that you also have some extra loot lying around, for you will not only have to participate in the event, but pay a registration fee (at the minimum) to do so.

Finally, and most importantly, don’t crack a joke, comment, remark, or limerick that would do anything to belittle or make-light-of the cause that you are helping.  White people DO NOT like it when their social and monetary sacrifices are not respected for the acts of grandeur that they are.  Stick to these instructions and you can be exhausted, yet unfulfilled, this weekend!

Other Stuff That White People Like  – The High Definite

You’ll notice that the daily updated Coffee Breaks are stuffed to the brim with links that have numbered lists on a variety of obscure topics that you wouldn’t think about until you read the list title.  In trying to keep up with this internet phenomenon, I’ve attempted to give you the most generic list I can provide, seeing how I have little to no motivation of actually creating any of these lists myself.   So, after 5 hard minutes of research, I’ve compiled the 5 Sites That Specialize in Numbered Lists on Obscure Topics.

#1. Cracked

Stemming from the discontinued humor magazine, I’ve spent hours on Cracked looking at the ridiculous items they decide to research.  The topics are almost always entertaining, and they have a way of making ridiculous topics sound life-threatingly interesting.  The surprise, I’ve found, is that they are stunningly well researched and informative.  I think I’ve learned more from this site than I did in college. 

#2. Topless Robot

You need to go to the “Topless Robot’s Most Popular List” to find most of the actual numbered lists.  Edited by the almost positively stoned Rob Bricken, they’ve made a solid attempt at the numerical list and have nailed it on the head.  Obscure topics, check.  Funny pictures to accompany said obscure topics, check.  Creative commentary, check.  Wasted 20 more minutes of time I should have spent working, check. 

#3. OMGLists

At this point I’ve realized how hard it is to talk about essentially the same thing on every number… so this could get repetitive, whatever…..OMG…LISTS!!!  I’m guessing they’re part of the GamePro Media Network, which makes me suspicious of whether or not GamePro isn’t just trying to take advantage of the trends to increase viewership on their other sites.  Either way, they hold it down pretty hard so I won’t hate for now.

#4. Holy Taco

Holy Taco, aka ” the website name that should most likely be followed by the word Batman”, is a constant source of entertainment for me.  Although I understand they are relatively new, they’ve made a splash on my heart with their original content and numerical lists on obscure topics.  Stocked with a lot of college-related topics, such as “The 10 Most Worthless College Majors”, and “16 Penalties Committed By College Freshman”,  it’s sure to keep the 18-24 demographic happy (much like HighDefinite, right?  right? bahh)

#5. Mental Floss

I literally picked this one because I didn’t want to seem like the lazy asshole that I am and stop with just 4 items on my list.  I mean, 5 is pushing it in the laziness area, but 4 is just awful.  So, here comes the filler.  From “researching” on their website for a couple of minutes, I’ve learned that Mental Floss (I was just going to copy and paste wikipedia shit here but I couldn’t find any) is a (oh wait I found some Wikipedia shit, sweet):

mental_floss is a bi-monthly American magazine, launched in 2001^[1] in Birmingham, Alabama, that presents facts and trivia in a humorous way. It includes columns by A.J. Jacobs and Ken Jennings.

Okayyyy…sounds kinda nerdy.  Some of their lists are good though, so check it out if you’re really, really bored.  Probably the most ironic part of the site is the name, with floss being a rare commodity in the magazine’s founding state.

Probably Not The Guy I Talked To

Knowing my blog isn’t the internet juggernaut that it should be, my powers of acquiring badass people to interview are slim to none.  However, there are some people that are forced to answer my questions whether they want to or not… and those people are the ChaCha Guides.  These are real people that answer my ridiculous questions and bar bets via text message and drunk voicemails in a pleasant, concise text right to my phone.  No more… “we’ll look it up later, brah”.  NO!  We’ll find out NOW, son. It is possibly the greatest service ever conceived in the quest of instant, useless, and sometimes actually informative, knowledge.  Thanks to these people all over the country, and my unlimited texting, I give you…The ChaCha Interview.

Couple of notes:

1. Due to the fact that I think whichever guide picks my questions out of the queue answers it, I’m going to try my best to make this sound like an actual conversation.

2. ChaCha won’t answer rude or crude (yes I got that from the Ninja Turtles theme song) questions, I’ve had to censor myself, much to my chagrin.

3. All these questions were literally answered in about 1-2 minutes.  I’m being super serial.

High Definite: ChaCha can I ask you a few questions for my blog High Definite?

ChaCha: Of course! ChaCha is here for you 24/7!

High Definite: Noyce.  First question: Can you give me a one sentence description of what ChaCha does?

ChaCha: ChaCha is a human-powered search and answers service.  Thanks for using ChaCha!  Anymore questions?

High Definite: Yes… yes there are.  How Many ChaCha guides are there and how are you paid?

ChaCha: There are guides in every state of the U.S. and we are independent contractors, we get paid per question.  Thanks, ChaCha on!

High Definite: Indeed, ChaCha on.  Quick skills question: Why do white people love Wayne Brady?

Hint to the Reader: (It’s in the second paragraph.)

ChaCha: White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcom X.  ChaCha on!

High Definite: Nailed It.  Okay another skills question…if you could play any Guitar Hero song right now, which one would it be?

ChaCha: Hmm… I think I would go with No Rain by Blind Melon, I love that song.  Thanks for using Chacha!

High Definite: Who do you blame for the crappy economy?

ChaCha: I blame the banks for issuing loans to people who couldn’t afford it.  That was the beginning of this whole issue.

High Definite: Okay another company question.  How does ChaCha make money?

ChaCha: ChaCha earns revenue from advertising and through its strategic partnerships. ChaCha is free so keep asking questions! Std msg rate may apply.

High Definite: One final question, what is the wildest question ever answered by a ChaCha guide or by you?

ChaCha: The wildest for me was “will you marry me” I mean what if I would have said yes?!?!

High Definite: Welp, that’s all of them.  Thanks for the interview.  I’ve been chacha-ing for a while now and I’ve got to say your backside is breathtaking.  You guys rock real hard.

ChaCha: Thanks!  Have a good day!

You can start chacha-ing by either texting ChaCha (242242) or call 1.800.2ChaCha and leave a message.

- The High’Def

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William "Billy" D. Mays (1958-Infinity)

I submit this nomination humbly as a late-night purveyor of mindless television.  Most of which is normally spent in some sort of inebriation or insomniatic state.  A certain face frequents the hours of drivel and drudgery that compose our current state of having the worst period of late-night television in history.  This face, however, stands alone amongst the reality tv, assinine game shows, and endless repeats of great shows from previous television eras.  Attached to this face is a voice, a loud one, yet a voice that promotes products that are alien in their helpfulness.  Although at a screaming level the entire time, it barely contains how excited we should be of how much these products can help us in our daily lives.  This voice, of course, comes from a man, a bearded man.  THE man.

Starting with OxiClean and Orangle Glo (at least for me) I found myself constantly mesmerized by the monotonous yell that so concisely, yet thoroughly, presents products designed to improve your day to day household chores.  A yell that not only will give you the product on hand at 19.99 or in multiples of payments in that amount, but will include smaller, more convenient sized additional products free of charge.  All if you order now.  Now.  A unit of measurement that has been all but absent in this year’s presidential race.  It’s always “change is coming”, or “solutions are being developed”.  Not only does his generosity know no bounds, but just look at the products he promotes:

OxiClean Detergent Ball- not only a great detergent, USING THE POWER OF OXYGEN, but a convenient delivery method

Big City Slider- Haven’t you ever had a time where you were like… man I wish I could eat 5 mini-burgers right now…yeah you have.

Kaboom!

Hercules Hook – One of the fastest, and easiest ways to hang just about anything

Ding King – Hit as many cars as you want and get away with it!

These are only a few amazing products that Mr. Mays has helped to provide to America on a late-nightly basis.  This fall, lets choose a man who’s for America, easy solutions, inexpensive, reliable products, and improving your life on a daily basis.  But you gotta call NOW.  Here’s how to order…