After the announcement that Joe Paterno would be relieved of his coaching duties at Penn State effective immediately, students rioted on the campus, toppling news vans and tearing up street signs…and planking. Seriously. In the second most embarrassing gaff of the night, Ashton Kutcher took to his Twitter account to piss off everyone, then apologized for doing so and turned his account over to management, but not before a new hashtag was created.

Video courtesy of NMA.

Update: She took her account down. Here’s one of the dozen copies.

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WTNH

Aftermath footage in Part 2.

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A real book that can be ordered here. | Via

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An actual recipe for “Late Night Bacon“, or y’know… “Regular-Ass Bacon.”

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Duke University alumni Karen Owen sent a “Fuck List” in Powerpoint form to three of her friends last May, ranking various guys at Duke on their ability to bone.  However, since we all know you can’t send anything to “just 3 friends”, one of them forwarded it on, which lead to its inevitable viral state.  A lot of athletes are on the list, including members of Duke University’s already controversial lacrosse team. Here were the criteria:

Deadspin has the document in full here.  It gets pret-ty saucy.

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Background | Thanks Julie.

My attempt at a transcript after the jump:

Carmelo Anthony told me he is going to kill me.  I’m writing a tell all book on Anthony.  I was his former guy friend and we were in a sexual relationship in 2000.  We met at a Baltimore YMCA. I commited identity theft to finance his basketball career.  I used stolen credit cards to get him GNC vitamins and Enimas to flush out his toxins.  My fraud money from eBay fraud and Western Union credit card fraud paid for Carmelo Anthony to go to Syracuse.  Anthony melt my popcicle.  Anthony gave me a std in 2001.  Carmelo Anthony worked as a undercover narcotic cop in Baltimore and was snitchin.  I told Anthony to stop snitch.  Anthony confessed to being a tattle tail.  I saw Carmelo Anthony bet on Denver Nuggets games with former NBA ref Tim Donaghy.  Carmelo Anthony cheated on his wife LALA with Dwayne Wades ex-wife who gave Anthony fellatio in I-95 traffic.  I’m having a pen pal relationship with Anthony’s wife who confessed she likes white guys.  Anthony wrote me a letter at the Federal Medical Center in Lexington telling me “Riches, your dead cracker”.  I have a picture of Carmelo Anthony and Dwanye Wade snorting cocaine on Kate Moss’ lap and another photo of them having homosexual sex shooting steroids into each other at Barry Bonds’ house.  Now they want to murder me.  Mark Cuban stole my credit cards and tried to buy the Texas Rangers with my money.  Mark Cuban assaulted me serving ice cream at Dairy Queen.  Nolan Ryan threw 100 mph fastballs at my head and he and Robin Ventura beat me up at the Church of Jesus Christ.  Jerry Buss accused me of raping him and Kobe Bryant in Boulder at Jon Benet Ramsey’s house.  Jerry Buss sold me Jeanie Buss on eBay and I was promised a Lakers janitor job when I get out of prison for less than min. wage.  Reinsdorf solicted sex from me on eHarmony.com and Reinsdorf assaulted me courtside next to Jack Nicholson.  I feel threated, intimidated by Defendants.  When I listen to ESPN radio I get goosebumps and shivers because of the four defendants caused me.  I want to be left alone and I want David Stern to suspend Carmelo Anthony for assaulting me, a fan.  I pray this court for relief.

If found, please put this cat out of her misery.  Also, I can’t prove it but I think that quote from Amber is made up.

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Thanks Brandon.

If you’re ex-Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater, you curse the gentleman out over the intercom, grab two beers from the galley, and make your dramatic getaway down the inflatable emergency slide (presumably sobbing the entire time).

Full story here. | Thanks Julie.

Update: She deleted the original.  Fortunately, the internet doesn’t forget.

Via | Previously: Consequences Will Never Be The Same

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I know…rage. It’s okay.  Justice is served.

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Previously

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Thanks Joe.

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I have no words to describe how retarded this is, so I’ll use the timeless college technique of using movie quotes to express myself.

When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur.  I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world.  I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard.  I chased the neighborhood cats.  I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said “Bobby you are 17, it’s time to throw childish things aside” and I said “OK Pop”, but he didn’t really say that he said that “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job”. – Dr. Robert Doback – Step Brothers

Replace “dinosaur” with “werewolf” and “Bobby” with “stupid-ass emo-kid rejects” and that about sums it up.

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Graph Jam | Via

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Nathan Gibbs | Context

Part of me feels like I’ve posted this before.  The other part is telling the first part to stop being a whiny little blog accountant.

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I’m no detective, but the guy standing at the scene of multiple fires just watching the flames burn (named Kali Burns…dressed in a full gorilla costume) probably has something to do with it.

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I think I heard a touch of W.B. Yeats in there.

Someone needs to be a hero and kill this retard off for the sake of our species.

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The gang over at Everything Is Terrible put this compilation together from Jay Leno’s early acting days on a show called Collision Course, just in case you needed another reason to hate this fucking guy.

Also, RIP Pat Morita.

Also…again…I’m Following Conando

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UPDATE: The Remix. (Youtube Doubler)

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Dude’s either a shitty repair man or a master of self-deprecating sarcasm.  I’m going with the former.

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Fox fucking News.

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Read the whole thing here.

UK firm Studham Technologies Limited invented a humane way to kill lobsters instead of boiling them alive.  PETA, realizing they have a reason to hold a demonstration and not look like a bunch of assholes, ordered two to be shipped to a lobster fest in Arizona.  Then hilarious tragedy happened.

From The Chronicle Herald:

British entrepreneur Simon Buckhaven said the CrustaStun system, developed over the past decade by his company Studham Technologies Limited, near London, kills the lobster with an electric charge, so the crustacean feels no “pain or distress.”

The inventor and his wife and business partner Charlotte were invited by animal rights activists to a big lobster dinner fundraiser last week, sponsored by the non-profit Child and Family Resource Centre in Tucson, Ariz.

The animal rights group PETA bought two of the lobster devices and paid for Mr. Buckhaven and his wife to fly to the Arizona event last Saturday to demonstrate the technology.

Unfortunately, the courier service lost the two machines and the animal rights people had to look the other way as volunteers killed hundreds of lobster in boiling water for hungry supporters of the resource centre.

The funniest part would have been watching the horrified looks of sheer terror on the PETA members’ faces while the lobsters were all “screaming” as they were being boiled alive.  Sometimes life works out just right.

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