I’ve posted my stance on these useless, paid-for pieces of shit before, so I won’t bore you with it again. However, I thought I’d provide a quick rundown of pertinent information in regards to the bills and the actions of sites far more important than this one to combat them.

• Why Reddit, Boing Boing, Videosift, Wired, and The Oatmeal have joined the thousands of other sites protesting the bills today.

• Mark Zuckerberg: “Facebook opposes SOPA and PIPA, and we will continue to oppose any laws that will hurt the internet.”

• Boing Boing’s managing editor, Rob Reschizza, speaks to Al Jazeera about the bills. (Video)

• Google’s Anti-SOPA Page and its arguments against the bill.

• Why Wikipedia went dark, and how to access it during the blackout. (By the way, I’ve been using it all morning. Just hit Esc right when the page loads.) There is one page that is fully accessible. Here are a bunch of uninformed retards on Twitter that have no idea what’s going on.

• Although Senator Marco Rubio (co-sponsor of SOPA’s sister bill PIPA/prick) has withdrawn his support for the bill, The Daily What reminds us:

Make no mistake: SOPA has not been shelved. And a vote on PIPA is just around the corner. Luckily, hundreds of companies, charities, and notable individuals with strong moral character have joined forces to stop these dangerous Big Brother bills from moving forward.

• 20 Images That Will Change Your Life

• The RIAA reponds to the protests.

I will continue to post as usual today on The High Definite, partially because I get bored at my real job and that’s why I do this in the first place, but mostly because I don’t want to disappoint the 3 of you that read this site.

Take action. Now.

Also: That’s enough, Kevin James.

Consumerist | Via

Via

Context | Via

Fuck this show, the parents, and the network that broadcasts it.  The end.

Via

If you happen to be confronted by an angry Luchador with no arms, you’ll be ready.

Damn, Duncan Hines.

“Watch them sing” here. | Via

Duke University alumni Karen Owen sent a “Fuck List” in Powerpoint form to three of her friends last May, ranking various guys at Duke on their ability to bone.  However, since we all know you can’t send anything to “just 3 friends”, one of them forwarded it on, which lead to its inevitable viral state.  A lot of athletes are on the list, including members of Duke University’s already controversial lacrosse team. Here were the criteria:

Deadspin has the document in full here.  It gets pret-ty saucy.

Via | Context

West Vancouver officials are testing out new types of speed bumps today as part of a $15k  safety program that will run this week. The speed bumps use the Trompe-l’œil technique to give the appearance of a 3D child in the vehicle’s path as it approaches the speed bump.  From Discover Magazine:

In what sounds like a terrifying experience, the girl’s elongated form appears to rise from the ground as cars approach, reaching 3D realism at around 100 feet, and then returning to 2D distortion once cars pass that ideal viewing distance. Its designers created the image to give drivers who travel at the street’s recommended 18 miles per hour (30 km per hour) enough time to stop before hitting Pavement Patty–acknowledging the spectacle before they continue to safely roll over her.

Nothing promotes vehicular safety like desensitizing the act of running over children with your car.  I’m sure this will end well.

Full story here.

Update: She deleted the original.  Fortunately, the internet doesn’t forget.

Via | Previously: Consequences Will Never Be The Same

Get it together, Oprah.

Via

Via

Via

Thanks Joe.

Apparently, this is from the textbook used for the course “Reading in the Content Field”, a required course for students going for teacher certification at Washington College.

Via

I have no words to describe how retarded this is, so I’ll use the timeless college technique of using movie quotes to express myself.

When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur.  I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world.  I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard.  I chased the neighborhood cats.  I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said “Bobby you are 17, it’s time to throw childish things aside” and I said “OK Pop”, but he didn’t really say that he said that “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job”. – Dr. Robert Doback – Step Brothers

Replace “dinosaur” with “werewolf” and “Bobby” with “stupid-ass emo-kid rejects” and that about sums it up.

Via

See the full set here.

Via

Nathan Gibbs | Context

Although the end product is decent…Bill Watterson would never let this happen, and it shouldn’t.

Best simple misunderstanding escalating into a full-blown shit talking festival and bloody beatdown video ever.

Via

Via

UPDATE: The Remix. (Youtube Doubler)

Via

Via

A couple months back, I did a post on Sprint’s new efforts to acquire new customers.  Turns out it was just another sneaky backhanded tactic to acquire more people they can rat out to law enforcement agencies by turning their customers’ own cell phones against them.  From Wired:

Sprint Nextel provided law enforcement agencies with customer location data more than 8 million times between September 2008 and October 2009, according to a company manager who disclosed the statistic at a non-public interception and wiretapping conference in October.

The manager also revealed the existence of a previously undisclosed web portal that Sprint provides law enforcement to conduct automated “pings” to track users. Through the website, authorized agents can type in a mobile phone number and obtain global positioning system (GPS) coordinates of the phone.

Damn, is it 1984 already? Let me off please.

Full story here.

Via

Thanks to Senor Prout aka Joshua Jackson for the tip…and for The Mighty Ducks…that movie was awesome.

Do you see these fucking guys?  Hahaha.  Look at the guy with the pink mohawk.  I love how the video ends with the identification stillshots and all of them have generic ass names, except for the mohawk dude because he’s supposed to be the quirky one. This is probably the funniest video I’ve seen today.  In case you can’t see the video I’ve provided a play by play after the jump:

Opens with Emo-looking kid playing piano in order to show that at least one band member has musical ability.

Cut to fight with somewhat attractive girlfriend on the balcony of some Italian-looking countryside villa because when people argue, they like to do it publicly and overlooking beautiful scenery.

Brooding emo kid’s attempts to reconcile with girlfriend on the balcony don’t go well, resulting in him hitting the concrete railing out of frustration, which results in a shot of the kid rubbing his hand because he’s a pussy.

Second guy is a pseudo-guido, metro non-white (diversity!) wearing what can only be described as a pink sailor shirt.  He’s sitting on the edge of a pool at what is probably the same house the other kid lives in holding a picture of a girlfriend he used to be happy with.  Note: Happier times flashbacks are noticeably missing the aforementioned pink sailor shirt…which is probably not a coincidence.

Cut to a shot of all 5 members sitting on a stone wall wearing a bright array of hipster clothing trying to look forlorn.  Every color they’re wearing requires “hot” or “neon” to properly describe them.

Fade out to identification still shots in which they all look away from the camera.

How this idea came about

In an effort to quell the insane amount of financial difficulties of the state, Ahnuld and company are setting up a 2-day auction.  I really wish I was making this up. From ABC News:

As part of the “Great California Garage Sale,” the state of California is selling off hundreds of items the state doesn’t need anymore — computers, old desks, office supplies, used cars — and confiscated items, including jewelry, a racing bike, a surfboard, and an antique piano.

The main auction itself, featuring some 500 cars and a vast quantity of knickknacks and accessories of assorted value, will take place this Friday and Saturday in Sacramento.

But the state is getting the bidding — and the online buzz — rolling by listing some items early on Craig’s List and eBay.

This is just fucking embarrassing.  The rest of the country already thinks Californians are a bunch of hippies, and handling our financial problems just like a college doper would is sure to only help that stereotype.  If Arnold starts calling winning bidders with “bro, that lampshade’s worth at least 25″, I’m moving.

In an effort to continue to throw stones at Apple, Microsoft is going to start opening retail stores this Fall…right next to Apple retail stores.  From CNET:

“As we progress on our retail strategy there will be scenarios where we have stores in proximity to Apple,” a representative told CNET News. “We are on track to open stores in the fall time frame.”

The fall timing is not surprising. One would assume Microsoft would want to have the stores open in time for Windows 7′s October 22 retail launch and for the holiday selling season.

Speaking at the Worldwide Partner Conference in New Orleans on Wednesday, Microsoft Chief Operating Officer Kevin Turner told people to “stay tuned” for more news on the retail front.

“And stay tuned, because we’re going to have some retail stores opened up that are opened up right next door to Apple stores this fall,” he said. “Stay tuned, just stay tuned.”

When I go to the Apple store, it’s usually to kill some time and play with all the cool products they make.  Meanwhile, every Microsoft product I own is usually a piece of shit that riles me up into a blinding rage, which only gets worse because I can’t take anything out on an inanimate piece of software.  So I, for one, am thankful for these new Microsoft stores, and the employees that will be working there, if only for giving me a place to drop off my fury.  If I’m told even once that I need to download some service pack before I can try a product in-store, I’m taking a crap on the floor while I wait.  That’s just smart shopping.

In a move that’s sure to make Internet Explorer 8 the most downloaded browser ever, Microsoft is giving you an exclusive unreleased track free with the download…from Nickelback.   I’m not sure how they were able to get ahold of such a legendary track, but I’m sure the guys in Creed are pretty pissed they weren’t approached first for the deal.  In case you’re wondering, the song is called “Something In Your Mouth”, which is probably the most appropriately named free song ever, considering if you fall for this shit that “something” is Microsoft’s nuts and you deserve to have your ears pummeled while you surf on your newly optimized piece of shit browser.

Download Firefox here.

This has got to be one of the most overpriced bad ideas I’ve ever heard of, via Times Online:

“The first “anti-stab” knife is to go on sale in Britain, designed to work as normal in the kitchen but to be ineffective as a weapon.

The knife has a rounded edge instead of a point and will snag on clothing and skin to make it more difficult to stab someone.

He said: “It can never be a totally safe knife, but the idea is you can’t inflict a fatal wound. Nobody could just grab one out of the kitchen drawer and kill someone.”

Yeah, except if you use the actual blade.  This piece of shit is $80 dollars, and you’re paying all that money when there’s already an anti-stab knife out there.

ta-da!

$13.99 for a decent one. Moving on…

Thanks to imtsbro for bringing this to my attention.

To recap…this was the exact script from the end of that clip with no edits or breaks.

“Pick up your jack and call it’s nothing to it. Holla. Do ya thing. Y’know, let it do what it do. On the real.  It’s off the hook.”

via

Everybody get your vests on, Nick Cannon’s angry.  Someone sent him Eminem’s new song “Bagpipes From Baghdad”, which contains some pretty pointed lyrics about Nick Cannon’s wife, Mariah Carey (yeah I still can’t believe that shit either). The former Nickelodeon cast member, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius soundtrack contributor, and LFO/98 Degrees opener is scraping up Mariah Carey’s cleavagey dress strings in order to restore some relevancy in an increasingly Nick Cannon-less world by trying to get gangster on Eminem…through his online blog.  Lots of goodness after the jump:

“So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”

But then the dude on the other shoulder said, “ What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!”

After carefully mentioning that he’s been taking martial arts and boxing (read: Tae Bo, P90x) for “years”, he goes on to straight up call Eminem out for a face to face meeting:

“So I’m putting this out there now. Marshall Mathers, you need to holler at me on some grown man shit. Man to man, let’s meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I’m here Pimp!

You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake.”

He might need to think about a different strategy, martial arts moves are pretty ineffective if you’re standing there sobbing because the other dude smudged your brand new Ferregamo shoes and now Mariah’s gonna be pissed because you ruined your school clothes.

And speaking of “rape and pillage of an art form”, here’s Nick Cannon’s last released single, ”Dime Piece”, off of his now-shelved second album…by his own record company.  If you’re wondering, yes, the only good part of the song is the direct rip of the chorus from BBD’s “Poison”.

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.2508042&w=425&h=350&fv=id%3Dv30107762%26shareEnable%3D1]

Seriously…who the fuck thought that this would be a good idea?

Via Blog Of Hilarity.

Online Booty Call: Less Talk, More STDs. 

…who says romance is dead…

Ever have a stoner buddy that’s like…”dude brah I just totally thought of this…this fucking…BADASS idea for a business that we could..like… totally fucking do and make like a million dollars.  WHEEEWWW!!” *eats cheetos*…then it’s always some stupid ass idea that involves getting junkfood in your body easier or being able to do more things while reclined?  Well someone decided it would be a great idea to catalog all of these on a website for our reading pleasure.  Ladies and gentlemen, highDeas.com.

1. Treach would beat this cracker down if he ever got ahold of him.

2. The black guys in this video should be ashamed of themselves

This is a snapshot of the “ready to wear” collection from Marc Jacobs for Spring/Summer 09.  I won’t get into the rest of this ridiculous “collection” besides to say there are some pretty decent suits in there.  However, if you know me, and I see you in any of the outfits in the picture above, you’re getting your dick kicked in and I’m taking your lunch money for looking like a little puff.

Piece of Shit: “The pasta you’re eating is really from Pizza Hut!”

Me: “Are you fucking serious?”

Piece of Shit (Thinking I’m cool with it like the people in the commercials): “Yep, Pizza Hut delivered the pasta!” (starts clapping)

Me : “So… I just paid 25 bucks for this shit and now I’m going to have diarrhea…”

*Murder happens*

I overheard these 30-something year old females chattering about the New Kids On The Block Cruise that they are going to be performing on as a themed cruise.  Instead of using the power of my pimp hand to cast these bitches down from their hysterical excitement, I calmly ate my food and decided to look into this shit myself. It’s just as retarded as I thought. According to USA Today:

“The music world was abuzz Tuesday over news former boy band New Kids on the Block would be heading to sea in May as the hosts of a themed cruise.

First reported by People.com, it’s considered a come down by some for the once high-flying group, which finally reunited this past year after several unsuccessful efforts to get the group back together. But band members were upbeat about the gig.

“Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing,” band member Joey McIntyre tells People.com in a video posted at the site. “This is not a step back.”"

No, its definitely cheesy, and yes, it is not a step back.  It’s so much further back it might as well be a fucking time machine.  I suppose doing a cruise out of Florida is a good idea though.  I’m sure singing about raising kids and getting arthritis would be greatly appreciated by the elderly crowd. 

*Side note: I looked their discography up because I realized I know almost nothing about this group.  This is a portion of their discography I found to be amusing:

1986: New Kids on the Block
1988: Hangin’ Tough
1989: Merry, Merry Christmas
1990: Step by Step
1990: No More Games/The Remix Album
1991: H.I.T.S.
1994: Face the Music
1999: Greatest Hits
2001: Super Hits
2008: Greatest Hits – Re-Release
2008: The Block

That’s right… a Greatest Hits, SUPER Hits, and a Greatest Hits – RE-Release.  Fantastic.